It’s positively criminal that the seminal “Be Somebody (Or Be Somebody’s Fool)” isn’t available on iTunes. Stuff the Beatles — where’s the love for Mr T?Netguide Magazine. Now with less Jibba Jabba

Still, while we all wait and weep, we can console ourselves that technology magazines are still widely available. Such as (hey! A not-subtle-in-the-least segue! Who woulda thunk it?) the September 2007 issue of Australian Netguide Magazine, on store shelves now.

It’s positively bursting with goodness; my reviews within include eight of the best portable music/video players, as well as standalone reviews of Safari for Windows Beta, SearchBoth.com.au, PimpFish Movie & Picture Ripper, WebCreator 4 Pro, AVG Internet Security 7.5, FreeAgent Go, HP TX1000, MotorRAZR V3 Red, Wacom Bamboo Tablet, Golf Launchpad (PC), Shadowrun (PC, Xbox 360), AFL Premiership 2007 (PS2) and Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer (PS3, Xbox 360, PS2, Wii).

Naturally, anyone unwise enough to fail to head forth to their nearest purveyor of printed goods is a fool. Of the “to be pitied” kind.

Small print, stolen from elsewhere on the Intertubes: The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T’s Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T “ain’t got no time for the jibba-jabba.” In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T’s tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T’s pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity.

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