31 Things I wrote today…

Or, what do you twitter about while doing a load of rather boring testing?
Now, it’s undeniably true that my job doesn’t exactly suck. I do get to test some pretty interesting tech. It doesn’t hurt at all that I’m pretty interested in tech. But there are days that are, shall we say, slower than others. Where all the fiddly testing that delineates between the paid professional and the amateur five second reviewer lies.
I had a lot of that to do today. A whole lot. It’s necessary, it’s slow, and it doesn’t really require that much brainpower once you’ve got the hang of it. And so, in this modern social media world, I turned to twitter and its vaguely entertaining/engaging ways to amuse myself while testing, prodding, poking and intermittently breaking things. Today’s Twitter meme of choice was writing fake (and often anachronistic) medieval bumper stickers. Sure, a lot of them were Monty Python quotes, but once you got past those there were some excellent ones, none of which I hold the copyright to.
I do own the copyright in my own ones though. And I may have written just a few of the things. 31 to be precise, most of them on just a few second’s thought. As a result, quality (and funny) varies, and may vary anyway according to your mood. Hey, what do you want? It’s not like I’m throwing them up behind a pay wall!
31 Quite Random Medieval Bumper Stickers

  1. (on ye olde Police Waggone) To Serf And Protect
  2. (obvious) My Count Votes
  3. Don’t Wash Me. It keeps the demons out.
  4. If you can read this.. wait. You can’t read this. You’re illiterate anyway.
  5. Dico Guinivere parumper bonus vicis (via a computerised English>Latin translator. Probably poor)
  6. Operor non TXT quod coegi (ditto)
  7. Or, if you prefer, “Operor non imbibo quod coegi” (etc)
  8. The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle
  9. Verily, this be the yeare of Linux on thy desktop
  10. I poach and I vote (historically inaccurate, sure, and others did it better)
  11. WWWTD: What would Wat Tyler Do?
  12. Fast Broad Banned services available. We drown your witches faster!
  13. Will serf for gruel
  14. Missing: Mystic. Answers to the name of Catweazle
  15. If you can read this, you obviously don’t understand Latin or French. Out of my way, peasant!
  16. A hard earned thirst needs a good cold mead…
  17. Thou art only 20km away from thy nearest McDonalds. But thou wilst only travel 5km in thy entire life.
  18. Excerpts from The Paston Letters. Only in thy Daily Town Crier today!
  19. Somebody needs to invent glue for these thinges. And bumperes.
  20. 9/10 Apothecaries recommend Arthbunot’s Brand Leeches
  21. Black Death. The choice of a new generation!
  22. 3×100. Your kingdom’s tax dollars at work. For the King.
  23. We built this castle on lyres and minstrelsy (built from an idea of Leigh Stark‘s to give credit where it’s due)
  24. A puppy’s not just for Christmas. Properly starved, it can be used to hunt down the peasants.
  25. Thy system appears to be infected with BlackPlague. Hit here with thy pitchfork to install leeches beta 0.3
  26. Hit the dancing peasant with the stick to win a JesterPod!
  27. If thy has an obvious (or Python) bumper sticker idea, chaunces are it hath already been done
  28. EasyOffethBAM. For all thine out out damn spots.
  29. Ye Visine Eye Droppeths. King Harold swears by ’em
  30. Thee Apple Cart is down. Master Jobs be planning something.
  31. Mine milkshake bringeth all the knights to the tourney, and ‘swounds, ’tis better than thine.

About the author

Alex Kidman is a multi-award winning Australian technology writer, former editor at Gizmodo, CNET, GameSpot, ZDNet, PC Mag, APC, Finder and as a contributor to the ABC, SMH, AFR, Courier Mail, GadgetGuy, PC & Tech Authority, Atomic and many more. He's been writing professionally since 1998, and his passions include technology, social issues, education, retro gaming and professional wrestling.

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