Retro Gaming Challenge Week Thirteen: Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home Review (PS2)

How apt that the unlucky week should be when I play the absolutely woeful Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home. Only one thing can save me: Terrible poetry.
For those coming in late, I’m playing and commenting/reviewing a year’s worth of retro titles from my collection in an effort to force myself to play more retro games. Here’s the selection so far. Voting is at the bottom of the review for the game I’ll play in a fortnight; the game I play next week is the one everyone voted on last week.
Everyone confused now? Good. After this extremely painful week, being confused can only be a plus.
For those who want to catch up, here’s everything I’ve written so far in this challenge:
Retro Gaming Challenge Week One: Shin Nippon Pro Wrestling: Toukon Road 2: The Next Generation (N64)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Two: Donkey Konga (Gamecube)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Three: The Firemen (SNES)
Retro Games Challenge Week Four: Space Invaders (2600)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Five: Three Dirty Dwarves (Saturn)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Six: Trog (NES)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Seven: Robocop vs The Terminator (Megadrive)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Eight: James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing (Xbox)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Nine: Godzilla Generations (Dreamcast)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Ten: Devil Dice (PSOne)
Retro Gaming Challenge Week Eleven: Asterix (Sega Master System)
Retro Games Challenge Week Twelve: Toki (Atari Lynx)

Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home (or anywhere)

I reviewed Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home for GameSpot Australia way back in the day — sadly, it didn’t survive the transition between GameSpot and the launch of CNET Australia. It was a game I gave the lowest score possible to, and time hasn’t… been kind. To it,or to my sanity as I’ve played it this week.

Therefore, in its honour, and for only the second time in my career (the first time being for the Nokia N9 over at Gizmodo, if you care), I’m going to resort to terrible poetry.
Haiku, to be precise. The quality of the Haiku accurately reflects the quality of the game, I think you’ll find.

Backyard Wrestling Sucks
The Joy Out Of My Very Soul
I Feel Quite Defiled.

Don’t Try This At Home
Or Make Your Console Play This
Lest You Go Insane.

Enemies So Dumb
Hitting Them Feels Cruel And Sad
Why Must We Suffer?

Talk Show Format Cute
But So Very Badly Done
I Want To Stop Now.

Hit Detection Bad
Powerbomb Through Petrol Tank
Brings No Lasting Joy.

Tyres Thrown At Heads
Bounce With Sprays Of Crimson Gore
Nobody Got Scars.

No Impact From Moves
That Would Crush Skulls And Break Bones
Laughably Awful.

Can I Cleanse My Mind
By Playing Some Bombastic?
No? Now I Hate You

I hurt my shoulder*
This week. Pain is still better
Than playing this game.

“Bonus” Clips Of Fools
Hurting Themselves With Power Tools
Speaks To Core Market.

Random Video
Of Semi-Naked Women
Does Little To Help.

Everyone Is Bad
At Wrestling In This Game But
Better Than Great Khali

This week is too long
Can I move on now and play
Anything else now?

That sounds so bad it must be good. Where can I score a copy?

Really, it isn’t. Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home is bad. Truly terrible.
But hey, there’s plenty of masochists out there, so who am I to deny you? Eidos is long gone (technically now part of Square Enix), and the licenses for music and the ICP are no doubt extinguished by now. They probably wouldn’t be that expensive to get; maybe a bag of “powder” and some Faygo to score the rights, but still, I can’t see too many games houses lining up to re-release this particular “gem” in a backwards compatible or virtual console way.
Which means it’s off to the ‘bay of E.
You can search for a copy of Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home here.
Pricing seems to be all over the place for it, and while that’s an affiliate link above, try not to pay too much for it. I’ll feel bad if you do.

Next week: Cleansing the palate

Super Monkey Ball for the Gamecube won last week’s poll, albeit closely. I’m cool with that, because it’s a great game. If it wasn’t already obvious, I need a break from terrible games, and that means I’m going to pick out a few favourite titles, such as Bubble Bobble
What? Rules? Who set these rules? What, me?
Sigh. Oh, very well. In which case, while I wait for week fifty two and my full on Bubble Bobble frenzy, you can vote on the next game I play using the selection below. Fair warning: I will enjoy playing them a LOT more than I did playing Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This At Home.
[socialpoll id=”2371549″]
*This is actually true. Torn shoulder muscles and videogaming don’t go well together. Also, gravity hates me.

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