Final Fantasy VII challenge week 3: Keeping the dream alive

Onto hour three, and the challenge of keeping engaged becomes paramount, as does seeing off the advances of an unlikely paramour.
If you’re just joining us, I’m trying after a twenty year gap to go back and play my way through Square’s classic Final Fantasy VII. Back in the day I played it to the exclusion of all else, but in the intervening years I’ve found it very hard to both make the time and see it all the way through. Life has this habit of getting in the way, you know?
Week one can be read here, where our heroic journey commences, and week two is here. Now, on with the show.
I’m concerned going into this hour of gameplay for one very simple reason.
The big issue I’ve had in previous attempts to re-tackle FFVII has come at around this timeframe. It’s not impossible for me to line up a 2-3 hour gaming session over a couple of nights, but then, well, real life has often intervened. Or I’ve lost interest because a new shiny game (oh, look, SQUIRREL!) has come along. It’s not that this particular bit of content is any worse (I think) than any other; it’s just that it’s the point where other factors have come into play.
So it’s with trepidation I approach hour 3. Although at least the gang is now (more or less) all here.
And indeed, it takes me a second or two to get back on track. There’s a save spot, and a bright shiny door. Dare I walk into the light?

Walk into the light. After all, it worked out so well in Poltergeist, right?
Walk into the light. After all, it worked out so well in Poltergeist, right?

Yep, and right into the slums.
HHH and X-Pac are suspiciously hanging out in the slums. I have no idea why.
HHH and X-Pac are suspiciously hanging out in the slums. I have no idea why.

Who signed off on this translation?

Onto a bus, in order to spend all my hard-earned Gil on Titan Bangles. Just another Manic Monday, I suppose. At which point I can’t afford any of the nice shiny Materia I could have alternatively purchased.
The early point of most RPGs is always cash-chasing like this, and FFVII doesn’t break from that tradition.
For some reason, a slum dweller has a poster of what I would swear is Bill Bailey on his wall. Why? I don’t know.
For some reason, a slum dweller has a poster of what I would swear is Bill Bailey on his wall.
Why? I don’t know.

Having worked my way through the slums, it’s time to head to Aeris’ house. Which is considerably nicer than the surrounding slums. This makes me suspicious. But no time for questions. It’s time to meet Aeris’ mum.
"And AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIAYYYYYYYYIIIAYYYYYY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU" - Cloud never misses an opportunity to break into a Whitney Houston number.
“And AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIAYYYYYYYYIIIAYYYYYY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU” – Cloud never misses an opportunity to break into a Whitney Houston number.

If my daughter is reading this, if you ever bring somebody home and introduce him as your bodyguard, unless you’ve suddenly become a world famous celebrity, they’re getting shot, OK?
Well, this is a teensy bit awkward...
Well, this is a teensy bit awkward…

Now, here’s an interesting problem. Aeris asks me if Tifa’s my girlfriend. Frankly, nobody is (I think) at this point in the game, but of course I’ve played through FFVII before.
I know what’s coming. Chances are if you’re reading this, you do too. So do I say yes, she’s my girl, or no?
Hmm. Quandaries. Quandaries that probably don’t have a huge effect on the game one way or another, but still. I’ll stick with no, because Cloud at this point appears to have the emotional range of a 12 year old. They don’t tend to have relationships of that style, mostly.
Sneaking out of the house to avoid Aeris as per her mom’s request fails miserably, because of course it does.
And then onto the fight through sector 6 to get to sector 7, because that’s how the plot can advance. At which point Aeris and Cloud must face off against the evil of… a house.
No really, I’m fighting a house here. I don’t recall this from years ago. Or maybe I blanked it out.
Our house, in the middle of our PITCHED BATTLE TO THE DEATH! I don't recall Madness singing that. Maybe if they lived in Midgar they would.
Our house, in the middle of our PITCHED BATTLE TO THE DEATH!
I don’t recall Madness singing that. Maybe if they lived in Midgar they would.

This is the cutest decrepit playground I’ve ever seen. I’m willing to bet that there’s a shattered clown mask around here somewhere.
Decrepit, but oh so cute.
Decrepit, but oh so cute.

It’s also strongly intimated that Aeris and Sephiroth were, well, intimate. Or some other random Soldier. What’s nice here is that I can’t actually recall, so I’m intrigued. FF VII manages pace quite well so far, alternating between combat sequences and the slower, plot driven moments, but it’s giving them time to breathe and establish characters. Blocky, angular characters, to be sure, but characters nonetheless.
Tifa is (seemingly) kidnapped, so it’s off to chase her down. But first, Cloud stops for some Korean BBQ, because why not?
Sure, Tifa's life may be in danger, but Cloud is HUNGRY.
Sure, Tifa’s life may be in danger, but Cloud is HUNGRY.

Actually, there’s a reason, but it relates to a really eally random subplot stuff about a mafia don, which involves multiple fetch quests. Nothing too hard, but it does also involve what I suspect might be the first (and one of only a few) use of transvestism in a AAA videogame.
Unpopular dweeb? Oh ho ho no! Why, amongst the dweebs, I was quite the social climber... oh.
Unpopular dweeb? Oh ho ho no! Why, amongst the dweebs, I was quite the social climber… oh.

Remember, G8+ rating, although this isn’t handled particularly well. There are a few sympathetic characters, but the main players either play it for laughs, or for shock. Cloud, as it turns out, fits in the Eddie Izzard Action Transvestite genre. So there is at least that.
This section of the game isn't particularly kind to Cloud's ego.
This section of the game isn’t particularly kind to Cloud’s ego.

Tifa is found in a dungeon. The dungeon of a Don who likes the ladies. Yeah, G8+ rating, you’re looking like a solid decision right now.
And then the Don chooses Aeris, and Cloud faces a rapey group that he beats up. This is not subtle, and equally not particularly well handled.
Or that G-rated.
I can think of nothing witty to say here.
I can think of nothing witty to say here.

Onto the Don, and all it takes it to threaten to chop off his manhood, and he talks a whole lot. As, I guess, you would, if a guy weilding a sword twice his size burst into your bedroom. You’d say anything they wanted.
And then the Don turns the tables by dropping the whole group into a sewer.
Meanwhile…
It emerges that Shinra’s going to drop the higher plate of Midgar all the way down onto Sector 7 in order to crush the resistance. Literally.
As evil villain schemes go, that’s right up there on the ol’ malevolent-o-meter.
As evil villain schemes go, that’s right up there on the ol’ malevolent-o-meter.

Back in the sewers, I face off against a monster whose primary attack is a sewer tsunami.
We are up some kind of creek, and in need of paddles.
We are up some kind of creek, and in need of paddles.

A few brief fights, a save point… and that’s hour three done and dusted. Onwards!
Next time: Peace train… or is it?

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